When my son was born last year, I was flooded with emotions of happiness, love and awe. But what surprised me most?

How I could feel invisible in certain parts of the process. When we were in the hospital after my son was born, a nurse brushed off my role as if I were just a sidekick in my child’s life.

That moment stuck with me and it got me thinking.

What is the role of a dad?

It was the day after my son was born, we were still in the hospital. My wife and I were bonding with our son. This was our first baby so everything was new to me and I was trying to help wherever I could.

My wife was doing skin to skin contact with our son which is important for the moms to build a bond with the baby. The pediatrician told us that it’s also great bonding for dads too.

Later in the day, I was doing skin to skin contact with my son when the nurse comes in and sees me and says that dad’s skin to skin contact doesn’t matter. She took my son away from me, checking him then handed him back to my wife to take care of.

The next day, a lactation consultant came in to help with breast feeding. She mentioned how dads help keep the baby alert during breastfeeding.

I took on my role and tried to help with whatever I could to keep my son engaged and awake. Later on when I was helping, the nurse came in and told me to stop helping that the mom doesn’t need dad’s help and can do this on her own.

This moment made me feel like a back-up, not a co-parent. I didn’t let it stop me in helping my wife and taking lead in certain areas with our kids.

The Role of a Dad

What should a dad’s role be with the kids?

In my example above with the nurse, the dad is supposed to be on the sidelines and only helping out if mom needs it. That kind of thinking hurts relationships and puts all the responsibilities on mom.

In many situations, moms lead with kids on meal times, dr. appointments, deciding on camp/daycare, but that doesn’t mean there is no role for the dad.

In many animal cultures, fathers have little roles with the kids. The father is there for reproduction, but then the mom takes care of raising the baby. This is how humans were until 500,000 years ago when a shift happened and fathers were needed or else humans would have gone extinct.

Mom and dads evolved together, each taking on distinct and complimentary roles. If dads had no role, they would have been evolutionarily pushed out as happened to other animals.

Dads started to develop their role where they were responsible for taking kids outside of the home world to help them explore, take risks, build resilience and social skills.

Moms were spending time at home with the kids and making sure that they were eating, sleeping and being taken care of.

When it comes to play, many moms are more cautious and scared that the kids are going to get hurt. Dads will rough play with the kids and get them to explore their curiosity and imagination.

Biology of Dad

A common misconception is that dads aren’t biologically meant to be parents.

Some people think that parenting comes naturally to moms, but dads need to learn it.

It does take more time for dads to build a bond with the kids, but that is mostly due to the fact that it’s hard for the dad to feel close to the kids while mom is pregnant.

While mom feels the baby every day and begins bonding during pregnancy, dads are trying to connect through her, which makes it harder to fully feel that bond until birth.

Don’t believe me that dads are biologically wired to be parents?

When a kid is born, dad’s testosterone drops by 30%.

This helps lower aggression, spend less time thinking about sex and gives more space for empathy, patience and nurturing.

When women have kids, they develop prolactin which is a hormone to help them breastfeed. Dads also develop some levels of prolactin to help them get into nurture mode.

Now this doesn’t mean dads are developing milk to breastfeed. But this level of prolactin will help increase their caregiving behavior and make them more sensitive to infant cries.

Helping Kids

Now that we see that dads are biologically wired to have kids, what types of roles can dads take lead on with their kids?

1. Confidence and Independence

The best bond a dad and kids can have is through play. Play time with kids helps them learn to take more risks and improve their problem solving skills. Dads playing with their kids releases dopamine and activates their rewards system.

Stats: Children with actively involved fathers are 43% more likely to earn A’s in school and 33% less likely to repeat a grade.

2. Emotional Regulation

Dads are there to be the emotional rock for the family. When a child has a tough time, dad can be that steady presence they need in the storm. When a child is having a tantrum, a steady presence of dad will help them calm down.

Stats: Children with involved fathers show lower levels of aggression and fewer behavioral issues by age 5.

3. Identity and Integrity

Kids will look to their dads when trying to figure out how to manage emotions, relationships and setbacks. Kids will model their dad’s behavior and learn how to treat others by the way a dad treats their mom. The way a dad treats their mom will teach kids more about relationships than anything else.

Stats: Children with an engaged father are 80% less likely to end up in jail, even when controlling for economic status.

Helping Mom

A study found that kids of moms with high partner support had larger hippocampus in their brain which is tied to learning and memory.

A dad who is highly engaged has some of the biggest effects on the mom. A fully engaged dad gives mom space to breathe. She no longer carries the full weight alone and that changes everything.

Here are a few ways dads can directly support moms:

1. Emotional Buffer

Dads can help take the stress off of mom when it comes to taking care of kids. An emotionally available dad lowers mom’s anxiety and postpartum depression.

When moms are stressed during early childhood, that is linked to delays in language, emotional regulation and social skills in children

2. Care and Responsibilities

While dads can’t breastfeed, that doesn’t mean they’re helpless. They can and should lead in other caregiving roles. If the baby is being bottle fed, dads can take turns or even lead with feeding the baby.

Other small things Dads can take a lead on:

• Changing Diapers

• Taking baby for walks

• Helping around the house

3. Modeling Partnership

Children do best when they see shared parenting and mutual respect between mother and father. The best thing a dad can do for his kids is to love their mother and treat her right.

Children raised in homes with cooperative parent and mutual support show:

• Less stress

• Better friendships

• Better self-regulations

On the other side, kids with high parental conflict, even without divorce, raises anxiety in kids.

4. Taking Care of Kids

Dads spending time with the kids without the mom, can give mom some me time.

• Give mom time to herself

• Give mom time to spend with her friends

• Letting mom recharge to be the best mom she can be

When moms feel seen and supported they’re:

• More emotionally available

• More consistent with discipline

• More likely to engage in positive interactions like reading, playing and talking.

When moms are seen and supported that’s linked to higher child IQ and fewer behavior issues. Dads can help the kids by helping the mom.

So What’s the Role of a Dad?

It’s not to help when asked. It’s not to fill in when mom is tired. It’s to co-lead. To protect, play, guide, comfort, and love fully.

That nurse may not have seen it. But my son will.

That’s what matters.

That’s what it means to rise as a modern man